I Failed My Son

Wednesday was supposed to be a day like any other, yet it was not. See, I have not been sleeping like I should some nights. Which of course affects me the next day. Tuesday night we got to bed early, well early for me, which is before midnight. I laid down and honestly I did fall asleep pretty quick. I woke up Wednesday morning about about before 7am, hubby had already left for work, so it was just Jeff and I like most mornings. He was still sleeping at this point and I had to get up to do the usual things, bathroom, something to drink and then back into bed hoping for a couple more hours of sleep. Jeff woke.

I got him a bottle and changed him. Put on his favorite Scooby-Doo DVD and he went back to sleep, so did I. until Jeff woke at 10 am. I know what you are thinking, 10 am , I so wish my kids would sleep until then! I woke up feeling as if I had not slept at all. I was trying to negotiate with Jeff for another hour of sleep but of course as with negotiating with a 1 year old, it did not work. So, I got up and got him another bottle, changed him, restarted the DVD and was trying to muster enough energy to start the day.

I was so tired I was in the worst mood ever. See, normally I am patient, kind, and I do not take the things my kid does personally, because well, he is 1. However, this day, I apparently forgot these things and let me tell you, my son got a horribly cranky, annoyed, generally mad at the world momma that day. I was so tired that I could not see straight. I could not understand how I could be so tired!

When he went down for a nap, I did too. I was so tired I could not even eat, so on top of being horribly cranky I was starving too and no wonder I had no energy! I took a small nap with him and when I woke I felt better, not great but better than I had all day long. I at least felt like I could finish out the day without being cranky momma.

Let me tell you, I felt so horrible for snapping at Jeff. It was not his fault but I could not help myself. See, M’s parents and family live across the country from us. My family, well, yeah. A long painful story. We have few friends here in Lexington. So basically we are on our own. There is enough money for bills and and barely food most weeks, so money for babysitters to help out is just impossible.

I did apologize to Jeff that evening, not that he knew what was being said. I did that for me. I am trying to do better by him. I am trying to make sure I get some kind of sleep and if I can’t then I get to eat at least in the mornings so I have some energy to face the start of the day with him. I know I will most likely fail him again, and it tears my heart out knowing that. I want to be the best mom I can be and honestly that is not easy.

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