Christmas Was Christmasy

I have always felt kind of left out on Christmas. I am adopted as most of you well know and I always struggled with the holidays. I always felt like a third wheel on a date. I know that my family never intended it that way and they never actively made me feel that way, but I always did. My cousin and her mom got along really well. When I was a kid, me and my mom, not so much. I am not airing family laundry here, everyone knows that my mom and I were better off far apart. Back to what I was saying, I always felt, I am not exactly sure how to put it in words, but the closest I can is left out. Everyone had family that they belonged to and I never really felt like I belonged to mine. Ever. I tried talking about this with the numerous counselors I went to as a kid, but no one ever helped me deal with that feeling. So, carrying this feeling into adulthood, made me kind of meh over the holidays. When my two older kids were little, I tried so hard. I would put up a tree and we would decorate. Put lights up around the house. Mostly because I wanted everything to be somewhat normal for them. I never really saw the point of it, but when I saw their smiling faces looking at the tree and all the lights, I went with it. 

My kids now are young and they have no idea yet what Christmas is. This was the first year we had a tree. We are staying at the in-laws’ house so they put a tree up and lights and I saw those smiles and wonderment in the eyes again, so I know this was basically the last year that we can not do anything. So, here is to hope that this next year is a lot better than this one because honestly, I am not sure how much more we can take as a family. 

This year Christmas was good for the kids, mostly because of my mom and the other family we have. I was so appreciative because the last few years have been horribly lean at Christmas. This year Charlotte got overwhelmed at how many gifts she had to open this year. It was a sight to behold. Jeff loved ripping the paper off and shredding the bows like any little boy would. We had a good time Christmas morning. It made my heart lighter like it used to with the older kids. Hope your Christmas was good. I need to go take some meds and lay down!

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