I was reading a blog post over at Joy of Mom today and she wrote about a day that she was about to give up. It made me realize I have those kinds of days more than I care to admit. Especially with a toddler and a baby in the house. Don’t get me wrong, I adore and love my kids to the moon and back but some days I want to throw my hands up and yell at the top of my lungs that I quit.
I feel that as a mom I do not write about these days as much as I should. There are days that I am in tears for most of the day. With a 3 month old daughter who has more medical issues at the moment than I can shake a stick at, it is at best difficult and at worst very depressing most days. We have a ton of appointments to get to and every two weeks I have to people stick my daughter multiple times to get an IV in veins that are too tiny and fragile to handle this. All of that so she can get a blood transfusion that keeps her semi-healthy so she can gain weight like she is supposed to. On those days I know I am doing what needs to be done for her good, but as I listen to her screams and see her tears I feel like the worst mother of all.
Then there is Jeff, my perfectly healthy, active. crazy little boy. I know he gets bored being at home with us and not some place where he can run and let the energy out. Honestly, most days I do not have 1/100 of the energy that he has. I feel like I am not doing enough for him or with him. His tantrums are sometimes well deserved in my eyes. Sometimes not. I get tired of the hitting and head butting, which I thought we had left in the past, but it is coming back as is the biting sometimes. I know his life changed so much the day his sister was born and the fact she is not totally healthy means he gets less attention than I want to give him.
Most days something has to give and honestly it is me. I have damaged my shoulder some how and I was supposed to go to the hospital last weekend, but I had a horrible two day migraine. When I have those kinds of days I can barely move, but because I am a mom I keep going through the pain, misery, nausea, and everything else that comes with those kinds of headaches. I have no idea how I get through those days at all. I know I am not giving my best, but honestly, I am amazed those days I even make it through.
I am not saying that M does not help because he does. A lot. Eventually he will have to return to work and I will be on my own with the kids all day long. Right now, my daughter mostly wants to be held all day, which with my shoulder is a challenge. My son wants to play and when I have my arms full of Charlie it is hard to play with him. We do play ball but his attention span is short as it is with all 2 year olds. I feel like I am letting them both down which leads to me feeling like crap and wanting to curl up.
I am barely running on little sleep, guilt, and caffeine. I know this will get better eventually, but right now eventually does not seem all that soon or close. Ugh. Well, off to play ball and stop the melt down that is brewing.