Those Kinds of Days

I was reading a blog post over at Joy of Mom today and she wrote about a day that she was about to give up. It made me realize I have those kinds of days more than I care to admit. Especially with a toddler and a baby in the house. Don’t get me wrong, I adore and love my kids to the moon and back but some days I want to throw my hands up and yell at the top of my lungs that I quit.

I feel that as a mom I do not write about these days as much as I should. There are days that I am in tears for most of the day. With a 3 month old daughter who has more medical issues at the moment than I can shake a stick at, it is at best difficult and at worst very depressing most days. We have a ton of appointments to get to and every two weeks I have to people stick my daughter multiple times to get an IV in veins that are too tiny and fragile to handle this. All of that so she can get a blood transfusion that keeps her semi-healthy so she can gain weight like she is supposed to. On those days I know I am doing what needs to be done for her good, but as I listen to her screams and see her tears I feel like the worst mother of all.

Then there is Jeff, my perfectly healthy, active. crazy little boy. I know he gets bored being at home with us and not some place where he can run and let the energy out. Honestly, most days I do not have 1/100 of the energy that he has. I feel like I am not doing enough for him or with him. His tantrums are sometimes well deserved in my eyes. Sometimes not. I get tired of the hitting and head butting, which I thought we had left in the past, but it is coming back as is the biting sometimes. I know his life changed so much the day his sister was born and the fact she is not totally healthy means he gets less attention than I want to give him.

Most days something has to give and honestly it is me. I have damaged my shoulder some how and I was supposed to go to the hospital last weekend, but I had a horrible two day migraine. When I have those kinds of days I can barely move, but because I am a mom I keep going through the pain, misery, nausea, and everything else that comes with those kinds of headaches.  I have no idea how I get through those days at all. I know I am not giving my best, but honestly, I am amazed those days I even make it through.

I am not saying that M does not help because he does. A lot. Eventually he will have to return to work and I will be on my own with the kids all day long. Right now, my daughter mostly wants to be held all day, which with my shoulder is a challenge. My son wants to play and when I have my arms full of Charlie it is hard to play with him. We do play ball but his attention span is short as it is with all 2 year olds. I feel like I am letting them both down which leads to me feeling like crap and wanting to curl up.

I am barely running on little sleep, guilt, and caffeine. I know this will get better eventually, but right now eventually does not seem all that soon or close. Ugh. Well, off to play ball and stop the melt down that is brewing.


I Failed My Son

Wednesday was supposed to be a day like any other, yet it was not. See, I have not been sleeping like I should some nights. Which of course affects me the next day. Tuesday night we got to bed early, well early for me, which is before midnight. I laid down and honestly I did fall asleep pretty quick. I woke up Wednesday morning about about before 7am, hubby had already left for work, so it was just Jeff and I like most mornings. He was still sleeping at this point and I had to get up to do the usual things, bathroom, something to drink and then back into bed hoping for a couple more hours of sleep. Jeff woke.

I got him a bottle and changed him. Put on his favorite Scooby-Doo DVD and he went back to sleep, so did I. until Jeff woke at 10 am. I know what you are thinking, 10 am , I so wish my kids would sleep until then! I woke up feeling as if I had not slept at all. I was trying to negotiate with Jeff for another hour of sleep but of course as with negotiating with a 1 year old, it did not work. So, I got up and got him another bottle, changed him, restarted the DVD and was trying to muster enough energy to start the day.

I was so tired I was in the worst mood ever. See, normally I am patient, kind, and I do not take the things my kid does personally, because well, he is 1. However, this day, I apparently forgot these things and let me tell you, my son got a horribly cranky, annoyed, generally mad at the world momma that day. I was so tired that I could not see straight. I could not understand how I could be so tired!

When he went down for a nap, I did too. I was so tired I could not even eat, so on top of being horribly cranky I was starving too and no wonder I had no energy! I took a small nap with him and when I woke I felt better, not great but better than I had all day long. I at least felt like I could finish out the day without being cranky momma.

Let me tell you, I felt so horrible for snapping at Jeff. It was not his fault but I could not help myself. See, M’s parents and family live across the country from us. My family, well, yeah. A long painful story. We have few friends here in Lexington. So basically we are on our own. There is enough money for bills and and barely food most weeks, so money for babysitters to help out is just impossible.

I did apologize to Jeff that evening, not that he knew what was being said. I did that for me. I am trying to do better by him. I am trying to make sure I get some kind of sleep and if I can’t then I get to eat at least in the mornings so I have some energy to face the start of the day with him. I know I will most likely fail him again, and it tears my heart out knowing that. I want to be the best mom I can be and honestly that is not easy.

That Kind of Mom

I read an article on Yahoo yesterday that really hit home with me. The article was about this woman who is a mom to a 5 year old boy. She had been a ‘grumpy’ mom and let issues from her life seep in to her attitude. It came to be understood that her son picked up on it when her husband had told her what her son said about her. Something to the effect of we need to let mom sleep because she is grumpy. Now, the reason why this hit home with me is that I know for a fact that my worries, will we have money for rent, bills, food, etc… does seep into my attitude.  Honestly, it is hard not to let them.

But she said something that really made sense to me, she said that her son has one childhood and does she want him to remember it with a grumpy mom or a happy mom. I understand that. We all have daily issues that weigh us down, some more than others, but if you think that your kids do not pick up on your moods, you are wrong. Even young children can sense things.

So, I am going to do my best and work on not being the grumpy mom.. but a mom that my son deserves.