I have always felt kind of left out on Christmas. I am adopted as most of you well know and I always struggled with the holidays. I always felt like a third wheel on a date. I know that my family never intended it that way and they never actively made me feel that way, but I always did. My cousin and her mom got along really well. When I was a kid, me and my mom, not so much. I am not airing family laundry here, everyone knows that my mom and I were better off far apart. Back to what I was saying, I always felt, I am not exactly sure how to put it in words, but the closest I can is left out. Everyone had family that they belonged to and I never really felt like I belonged to mine. Ever. I tried talking about this with the numerous counselors I went to as a kid, but no one ever helped me deal with that feeling. So, carrying this feeling into adulthood, made me kind of meh over the holidays. When my two older kids were little, I tried so hard. I would put up a tree and we would decorate. Put lights up around the house. Mostly because I wanted everything to be somewhat normal for them. I never really saw the point of it, but when I saw their smiling faces looking at the tree and all the lights, I went with it.
My kids now are young and they have no idea yet what Christmas is. This was the first year we had a tree. We are staying at the in-laws’ house so they put a tree up and lights and I saw those smiles and wonderment in the eyes again, so I know this was basically the last year that we can not do anything. So, here is to hope that this next year is a lot better than this one because honestly, I am not sure how much more we can take as a family.
This year Christmas was good for the kids, mostly because of my mom and the other family we have. I was so appreciative because the last few years have been horribly lean at Christmas. This year Charlotte got overwhelmed at how many gifts she had to open this year. It was a sight to behold. Jeff loved ripping the paper off and shredding the bows like any little boy would. We had a good time Christmas morning. It made my heart lighter like it used to with the older kids. Hope your Christmas was good. I need to go take some meds and lay down!
I am struggling. I wish I could say that everything is all peachy and that California is perfect. It’s not. It is amazing in its own way and I love being here. I do love Woodland, but I fear that we will have to move some place else eventually because I am not sure if it is big enough for us all. Life for me has lost the color and texture it normally has. I am fighting every single day to just get up and take care of the kids. I am so tired at the end of the day and when M comes home from class early I rejoice inside because I can sleep. I really wish that I could say that I am sleeping more because the time change is hurting me, but we all know that would be a lie.
I am not sure why I am struggling so much right now, but I have been. M is still looking for work. I have doctors for the kids, they are all amazing. I am really seriously blessed in that their primary care doctor is uber amazing and understanding. I was really worried about that. I have a great doctor myself and I see her Thursday. I think I know what she will say and honestly I dread it but at the same time, I am looking forward to it also.
There is a lot of stuff happening behind the scenes that I can not yet talk about. I just wanted you all to know I am not dead yet. Just struggling to get every day done. I am hoping to be back normally soon, but I am not sure what toll this will take on me yet.
How is that for a title? I woke up this morning to M being in the shower getting ready to go to the local VA for the beginning of his tests for the med boards. Jeff was standing on the bed, which honestly is nothing new, the new thing this morning was he was lifting one foot to take a step! He was kind of close to the edge so I called him back to the middle of the bed because all I could see in my head was him falling off the bed. However, the almost step was not lost on me! My little boy will be walking soon I think!
Then things will really, really change because instead of chasing him crawling and I actually have a shot at catching him, I will be chasing him as he was scampering through the house! Time sure does fly! I do kind of miss the newborn baby he was that wanted to be rocked and held. Now he wants to flop on me and M and kiss us (his versions of kisses are open mouthed and pressing his 4 front teeth on my cheek as hard as he can!).
Speaking of newborns, it is all over Facebook and Twitter that Kate Middleton and Wills have named their daughter. Honestly, I don’t really care, but they picked a nice one and I was happy to see Diana in the name some where. It is a nice tribute to her I feel.
I can not believe May is here already!! Holy cow it is flying by! Today I start my Seamless Bible Study online with a wonderful lady I met on Facebook. I am so excited that I actually won the book because we just don’t have the money to buy things like that. So it was a blessing to me!
This week is diapers week because I opened the last package of the ultra dry ones and so on Thursday I have to order more but in size 3. According to the sizes he needs to be in 3’s now. So 3’s it is! Last week it was wipes… It is a never ending cycle I feel right now. But it is part of being a mom and I would not have it any other way.
I honestly can not wait until my doctor appointment. I am going to see if I can get some other testing done as well, maybe a new allergy test because the last one was when I was like 12 I think. Certain things have started bothering me that never have before and I need to know what to stay away from.
I am hoping that M can tell me what he wants for dinner because I honestly have no clue. Nothing sounds good to me. I think for Cinco De Mayo tomorrow we will have tacos. I have it narrowed down to either steaks or skillet lasagna. Well, I think that is about all I have to ramble on about for now!