Christmas Was Christmasy

I have always felt kind of left out on Christmas. I am adopted as most of you well know and I always struggled with the holidays. I always felt like a third wheel on a date. I know that my family never intended it that way and they never actively made me feel that way, but I always did. My cousin and her mom got along really well. When I was a kid, me and my mom, not so much. I am not airing family laundry here, everyone knows that my mom and I were better off far apart. Back to what I was saying, I always felt, I am not exactly sure how to put it in words, but the closest I can is left out. Everyone had family that they belonged to and I never really felt like I belonged to mine. Ever. I tried talking about this with the numerous counselors I went to as a kid, but no one ever helped me deal with that feeling. So, carrying this feeling into adulthood, made me kind of meh over the holidays. When my two older kids were little, I tried so hard. I would put up a tree and we would decorate. Put lights up around the house. Mostly because I wanted everything to be somewhat normal for them. I never really saw the point of it, but when I saw their smiling faces looking at the tree and all the lights, I went with it. 

My kids now are young and they have no idea yet what Christmas is. This was the first year we had a tree. We are staying at the in-laws’ house so they put a tree up and lights and I saw those smiles and wonderment in the eyes again, so I know this was basically the last year that we can not do anything. So, here is to hope that this next year is a lot better than this one because honestly, I am not sure how much more we can take as a family. 

This year Christmas was good for the kids, mostly because of my mom and the other family we have. I was so appreciative because the last few years have been horribly lean at Christmas. This year Charlotte got overwhelmed at how many gifts she had to open this year. It was a sight to behold. Jeff loved ripping the paper off and shredding the bows like any little boy would. We had a good time Christmas morning. It made my heart lighter like it used to with the older kids. Hope your Christmas was good. I need to go take some meds and lay down!

A Whirlwind!

It occurs to me that I have not done an entry here since the beginning of November! A lot has happened since that time! Not sure where exactly to begin because honestly, I would be here typing all night! LOL. So, Charlotte turned 1 on Black Friday! She is doing really good right now. I mentioned the big hearing test coming up and guess what?!?! SHE PASSED IT ON BOTH SIDES!! She is hearing on her left side perfectly now and has absolutely no need for the hearing aid! Thank you for all the prayers and well wishes, it totally worked! 

As for her blood doctor, we are now six months out for those appointments, she had the most recent one on December 2nd and it is in fact, confirmed that she is making red blood cells on her own! YAY! She is continuing with physical therapy and is crawling on all fours consistently now, so we are working on the walking part now. I am so excited for her! She has also started speech and occupational therapy as well this month. She is doing well in both of those. We are teaching her to sign in speech so that her needs get met and I know what she needs instead of guessing. 

Jeff also had his speech evaluation and we are progressing with a combination of sign language and pictures to communicate with him. In the new year, I will be making an appointment with his pediatrician to find out how to get him tested for Autism. Once we know what we are up against, we can make plans and move forward. 

M got hurt at work on the same knee he had surgery on last year. It seems that we are destined to be in fire mode! He is fine and they sent him back to work this past Wednesday. He was out of work for a couple of weeks and it was very stressful for us and especially when it is near Christmas! Christmas will be pretty lean this year but our family has helped out and the kids will have a few things to open, so that is good! A church here in town brought us all we need for Christmas Dinner and breakfast too! Which was a major blessing! I have not been sleeping well because we are back on M’s work schedule and he is working 60 hours a week and is gone before 6:30 am in the mornings, which is hard on me because Jeff lately has been not going to bed until midnight or 1 am. Not sure what is going on with him, hoping it stops soon! 

Well, I think that is all I have right now! If I do not get back here before Christmas, have a Merry Christmas! (if you celebrate) if you do not, Happy Holidays! 


Oh Man Am I Tired!

Charlotte Swing First TimeI am so exhausted that honestly most days I have no idea what day it is or even who I am. At least until Jeff yells at me, but even then he does not say momma. LOL. Charlotte is doing well, gaining weight so now we do not have to go back to the doctor with her until January when she is 2 month old. We switched her formula to soy because she was very fussy and gassy. It seems to have helped some, but she is still very gassy and fussy sometimes, but it has not even been a whole week on the new formula, so I am hoping that things get better.

M is doing so well with physical therapy, they said he might be running by March again. I am so thrilled because that has been his serious goal. Once he starts running again he can get into shape again and pass a PT test for the Army he can pick up his 5 and then we can assess what will be next for us. He truly wants to go back to active duty and I am totally behind him on that. Once he has his 5 he only has to be in that rank until he can possibly pick up his 6.

So hopefully some good things coming in 2016, we could sure use them!! Jeff is really loving towards his sister and loves to kiss her. In fact, it is hard to get him to keep his hands off her when she is trying to sleep! He is helpful to me by putting the lid on the bottle and taking it off too when I need it.

Today Charlotte is in her swing for the first time. Not sure she totally likes it, but it gives my arms and back a break from holding her. I celebrated by taking a picture of course. I will post it here when I am done.

Well, my mind just went blank, so I will go… cause I can not remember what I wanted to say. Seems like normal for me right now.


I Failed My Son

Wednesday was supposed to be a day like any other, yet it was not. See, I have not been sleeping like I should some nights. Which of course affects me the next day. Tuesday night we got to bed early, well early for me, which is before midnight. I laid down and honestly I did fall asleep pretty quick. I woke up Wednesday morning about about before 7am, hubby had already left for work, so it was just Jeff and I like most mornings. He was still sleeping at this point and I had to get up to do the usual things, bathroom, something to drink and then back into bed hoping for a couple more hours of sleep. Jeff woke.

I got him a bottle and changed him. Put on his favorite Scooby-Doo DVD and he went back to sleep, so did I. until Jeff woke at 10 am. I know what you are thinking, 10 am , I so wish my kids would sleep until then! I woke up feeling as if I had not slept at all. I was trying to negotiate with Jeff for another hour of sleep but of course as with negotiating with a 1 year old, it did not work. So, I got up and got him another bottle, changed him, restarted the DVD and was trying to muster enough energy to start the day.

I was so tired I was in the worst mood ever. See, normally I am patient, kind, and I do not take the things my kid does personally, because well, he is 1. However, this day, I apparently forgot these things and let me tell you, my son got a horribly cranky, annoyed, generally mad at the world momma that day. I was so tired that I could not see straight. I could not understand how I could be so tired!

When he went down for a nap, I did too. I was so tired I could not even eat, so on top of being horribly cranky I was starving too and no wonder I had no energy! I took a small nap with him and when I woke I felt better, not great but better than I had all day long. I at least felt like I could finish out the day without being cranky momma.

Let me tell you, I felt so horrible for snapping at Jeff. It was not his fault but I could not help myself. See, M’s parents and family live across the country from us. My family, well, yeah. A long painful story. We have few friends here in Lexington. So basically we are on our own. There is enough money for bills and and barely food most weeks, so money for babysitters to help out is just impossible.

I did apologize to Jeff that evening, not that he knew what was being said. I did that for me. I am trying to do better by him. I am trying to make sure I get some kind of sleep and if I can’t then I get to eat at least in the mornings so I have some energy to face the start of the day with him. I know I will most likely fail him again, and it tears my heart out knowing that. I want to be the best mom I can be and honestly that is not easy.

Happy New Year!

Well, to say that 2014 has been a rollercoaster ride would be an understatement! I am still honestly wondering where the time went! It seems like last week Jeff had been born and we were just starting our new adventure in parenting! Now he is 9 months old and his own little person! Whew!

I want to wish you all a very happy new year! If you are celebrating someplace outside of home please be safe out there. Do not drink and drive because we need you here! My hope for your 2015 is that it is as wonderful, hopeful, joy filled, and prosperous as can be!

I will tell you that I am not sad to see 2014 leaving. I am ever so hopeful for 2015 though. Living life with Jeff is never boring! He is teething so much more. Fussy does not even begin to cover it with him. I feel for him and I wish I could do more than what I am doing, which is orajel on his gums. Many have asked why I don’t give him Tylenol, mostly because he HATES it and fights it. He will spit it out and when he does that it is not going to help. So, I am saving Tylenol for things like after immunization pain, fevers, etc… So far, he has not run a fever that I can tell. He is naturally warm like his dad is, so it is hard to tell.

He has a doctor appointment coming up on January 6th. Boy will they be surprised by the teeth! He is continuing to teeth, I can feel another tooth on the top trying to make it’s way in. So the next few months will be busy! He loves all his new toys!

I am tired but my body is getting used to it I think. Michael is doing well, he is working today and will be off for New Year’s which is nice. I am starting a read the Bible in 100 days challenge tomorrow. I can not wait! I need to start making time for myself and that will be a goal for 2015.

Well, I need to run. I have to figure dinner out. Something with ham.


Christmas and Beyond

Christmas for us was uneventful. To me it was more like every other day than a holiday. The only difference is that Michael was home all day long. This year Christmas was blah. I know that gifts and all that is not the reason for Christmas, but it being my son’s first Christmas and honestly had not a bunch of wonderful people stepped up he would not have had anything for Christmas. It was that bad. I honestly was depressed because I wanted it to be special and it was in that we were all here together, but it did not have that special feeling. No tree. Some lights, but could not get them to stay up. No money. It just sucked big time. That is honestly how I am feeling about the latter part of 2014 as well. I can not wait to put this year in the rearview mirror and move forward.

Don’t get me wrong, yeah my son was born this year and he was about the only bright spot. In 2015, there is hope that it will be better than 2014. I have some resolutions that I have made for this coming year which I will share here.

1. I want to be more positive in 2015

2. I want to be a better wife and mom

3. I want to cook more at home than eat take out

4. I want to save money for our move (hopefully) in latter 2015

Those are totally doable with some help from Michael. I already talked to him about them and I am hoping he is on board. He never comes out and says ‘That is great!’ so I kinda have to guess.

It is about 12:30 am where I am while I am typing this. Everyone else is asleep and honestly I want to be too. Jeff has issues sometimes staying asleep after I get him to sleep so I stay up for about an hour or so to make sure he is sleeping well. He is teething right now, so he is out of sorts. He has 2 teeth already in on the bottom and one on the top trying to come in.

He has been fussy and I can totally understand. I have been trying to be extra patient with him and loving. I have horrible migraines so sometimes it is not all that easy for me too. I try to tell him that I love him more than I say no to him. He is so amazing! Crawling around like a crazy boy! Standing up unassisted for 30 seconds to a minute already. He will be walking soon.. and the time has flown by! In March he will be a year old!

I am wishing I had more time with the sweet newborn boy I had. Sigh. We are hoping to move into a bigger place when our lease is up where we are. Right now we are in a 1 bedroom 1 bath place and it is so small, but we make due. Michael is at Amazon until at least January 9th, which is good news for us because that means January rent will be paid and the bills too. I am constantly trying to find cheaper ways to do things such as cable and all. I am actually thinking that we might give up cable and switch to something like Chrome TV or Amazon TV and Netflix. It would so so much cheaper! Maybe do Hulu Plus too. Right now Time Warner is just insane price wise for what we have.

Okay well I am off to try and sleep, see if I can get my brain to shut up long enough to let me sleep anyway.


Almost Christmas

I know it has been a while since I last posted things here got really REAL if you understand my meaning. We were in a serious financial crisis and honestly we are not totally out of it yet, but working our way out. The reason I  mention this is because a) I told myself I was going to be more honest about things here and b) it leads to part of this post.

Because things have not been going our way for a while, we were looking at not having Christmas at all. Nothing. Nothing for Jeff. I was really incredibly upset about that. I don’t really care about myself, but I wanted to make Jeff’s first Christmas somewhat special. I know at 9 months old he will most likely not remember it, but I would. I was depressed. Then I mentioned our situation on Facebook, something that honestly I normally never do. So many people contacted me to help us out! I was amazed and very humble, so with the help of wonderful people, Jeff will have a Christmas after all.

I can never thank these people enough and I am blown away by people whom I have never met face to face wanted to help us. Some sent us some money, which was helpful. Some sent Christmas gifts and PJs. Others are sending clothes for Jeff . His grandparents are doing some for us and Jeff of course, but they have other grandkids to buy for.

Jeff for a long time was not eating baby food. Hated it. All of a sudden in the last two weeks he has been eating like a champ! Which is a relief to this momma, let me tell you! He has been eating so well that this weekend I am starting to feed him 2-3 times a day now. Before it honestly made no sense to force him because he was not understanding.

Jeff has started doing something that I absolutely hate! He has started screaming! High pitch shrieks in my face! Drives me crazy because he won’t stop. Ugh. Hoping this phase does not last much longer or I am going to need a nice padded room! 

I am so tired because Michael is working 10 hour days 6 days a week so it hard on us all. I am not getting enough sleep because while we were dealing with the money issues I was not sleeping hardly at all. So, my body is exhausted all the time. When Michael gets home, he has time to eat dinner and play with Jeff for about 10 minutes and go to bed. Which means I am the last one in bed every night after getting an extremely fussy baby to sleep and cleaning up the kitchen from dinner, most nights I am not in bed until about 1 am or so. Some days earlier and some days later.

I am not sure how much longer I can go on like this with out a break of some kind. Sundays are busy for us because it is our only free day together, so it is spent doing stuff around the house, laundry, etc…

Well, in case I don’t get to post before the 25th, have a wonderful Christmas if you celebrate and if you don’t have a wonderful holiday that you celebrate! Ciao!


Our Thanksgiving yesterday was a nice quiet day. We had a good dinner and just spent the day together watching TV and playing with Jeff. I never ever go out on Black Friday it is just too crazy for me to deal with and usually I work retail at this time of year, so yeah. I am always working with the crazy people who are shopping. Ugh. So, it is three years that I have been in Kentucky today. My how time flies!

Michael went out early this morning to go to the place that was interviewing for the Amazon jobs. It is now 3pm and I have not seen him since 6am when he left. I am hoping everything is okay. Jeff finally went down for a nap and now I have a few minutes to actually eat something for the first time today and just relax for a few minutes. He wore his Thanksgiving jammies yesterday, I have not found my camera yet and I have no time left on my phone. So as soon as I can I will post a pic of him in them.

I can hardly believe that Jeff is 8 month old already! It seems like yesterday that he was just born. Time has a way of getting away from us. On another note, my RL stalker ( no joke) made a new Facebook page and tried to friend me and start a conversation the other day. I blocked him yet again. Actually I looked and it was for the 3rd time. Since it only takes about 5 minutes to get anew free email, he can literally have unlimited new facebook pages when he wants.

I have thought about ditching facebook totally, but I use it to keep in touch with people I care about and honestly I am not letting him run me off. I tell Michael when he pops up again and he just is like, seriously? No he has not gotten the hint yet. It was in the teens over night for temperature here last night and will be about 60ish tomorrow. Ugh. Horrible headaches from the crazy swing in temperatures. Wish it would make up it’s mind, warm or cool. Not both in like a day.

There is a lot going on right now. Mom Gardner, neither Mike or I can call you right now, so we have to communicate through email. Life is tough for us now, but I am hoping we can come through the tunnel soon. I am honestly tired of all the hard times and would love some easy ones for a change. So, if you could please pray for us. We desperately need them! I am going to run,need to get a couple of things finished before Jeff wakes from his nap.