Time Slips Away

IMG_0308¬†I can’t believe it is the end of April already! For those wondering, we got through the three day training okay. A couple of nights were rough but when M got home all was right again and Jeff of course was thrilled to see his dad! The weather here has certainly been crazy and today it is storming at the moment. I am not complaining because rain means less pollen in the air and better for me. M has a lot of stuff coming up in the next month with medical appointments and such for his med board. I am beyond grateful for the staff handling this because they are really communicative on what will happen, what needs to happen, etc… Makes it less stressful for us all.

Got some great news yesterday! M has been selected for conversion by Amazon! Only a few people got the paperwork and he did. So we will be working on that this week! So excited for this! He really does deserve it though. He works hard without complaining and is reliable.

Jeff and I are well, we are getting through most days as painless as possible. Last week was a little bit touch and go. He is getting to be very hard headed in the things he wants to do. Most of those things are off limits and tests me and some days I pass and others I fail. But I always try again. He is growing by leaps and bounds! I am thinking we need to move into 12 month PJs now for him because some of the 9 month old stuff is getting small!

We have moved Jeff into the world of table food and oh man has he just loved it! He loves yogurt (strawberry, strawberry/banana, peach, and caramel are some of his faves), he loves pretty much anything potato at this point, he loves chicken nuggets, pretzels, Cheez-Its, he tried and liked vegetable soup, saltine crackers, fresh fruit ( strawberries, bananas, cantaloupe, and I can not wait for him to try watermelon!).

So we went from a kid who would not eat any kind of baby food who will eat what ever I am eating that is not tied down on my plate basically! Tonight we are having burgers and fries, so he gets his own little burger cooked well done of course! It will be his first, so I am looking forward to that! He loves cheese ( like his dad!) and wants to grab my tacos but because of the seasonings and the taco sauce I use, I can not let him have any.

He is amazing! He is also trying too. We are working on using our inside voices when we are excited. Sometimes it works and well sometimes I get a migraine! He is still giving momma kisses like crazy and has now started to add sucking while kissing me on the cheek!

He truly does have a red head temperament, but I am learning to work with that. Not always easy and some days I just want to crawl into the nearest corner and cry, but we keep moving forward! I made a doctor appointment to have my checked out because my migraines are getting worse some days and it seems like I have them for days on end. Hoping to find a medicine that will give me some small amount of relief without some horrible side effects. Not sure it is possible, but trying.

Anyway, I had changed my Primary Care Physician (PCP) because the one I had was only in the office on Fridays and I needed more than that! So, I called the new one, after waiting for my new cards to arrive and made an appointment. She scheduled me for May 25th. I was thinking, why does that date mean something to me?? I looked and it is Memorial Day. SO I called them back today and mentioned that my appointment was on May 25th and it was Memorial Day, were they really open then? The lady I spoke to started laughing and was like, well I won’t be here!! Apparently they had a WHOLE day of patients scheduled and did not realize until I mentioned it. So, now they will be making some phone calls to reschedule. She did thank me though and I could not help but laugh too.

So, that is the news from our corner of the world! Hope all is well with all of you!


The Reality Is…

In case I did not mention it here, M is in the Army National Guard where we live. When we met he was in Active Duty Army and was for 9 years. When it came time for him to quit, he had a choice, National Guard or quit totally. At the time, the Army was what he loved and did well, so I encouraged him to transition into the National Guard so he could still serve his country. Something he loves doing dearly.

The reality of life in the National Guard is not an easy life really. Yes, it is one weekend a month and 2 weeks in the summer, but what they don’t tell the families until it is too late is that some of those weekends are 3 day weekends with training away from home and the whole 2 weeks in the summer, yeah away from home too usually, at least here it is. So, it is great when it was just the two of us. Although I missed him terribly, it was easier. Now that we have a 1 year old, it got progressively harder this weekend, as this is one of those 3 day weekends away from home.

See, when M had the 2 weeks of training last summer Jeff was so little he did not know the difference. Well, he did, but not on the level of this time. So, last night was the first night M was gone and Jeff sat at the edge of the bed on M’s side looking at the front door waiting for his daddy to come home. It was so heartbreaking for me to watch. When I would bring him back up on my side near me on the bed, he would crawl away and go back to his watch for daddy. Eventually, it included crying and rocking back and forth because daddy was not home. Truly heart breaking for me to watch because I can not fix this with a kiss or hug. He does not understand where daddy is, just that he is not here like normal.

Today so far, has been a rough day for us too. If M was home he would be working today, but because Jeff knows daddy did not come home, he knows this is not a normal day either. We are both totally exhausted because Jeff fell out around 12:30am because his little body could not take anymore. I on the other hand did not sleep well at all. All the noises that a house makes that you don’t notice are amplified when you are alone at night.

M will be home sometime Sunday evening, so I only have 1 more night to deal with. I am so happy about that. Although I think tonight might be worse for Jeff. I try to keep him occupied by playing with him and his favorite toys, but it does not always work. He knows daddy is not home and he misses him.

That is the reality of my life at this moment. There are other harsh realities about having a loved one in the National Guard, but I will save those for another post.


I Failed My Son

Wednesday was supposed to be a day like any other, yet it was not. See, I have not been sleeping like I should some nights. Which of course affects me the next day. Tuesday night we got to bed early, well early for me, which is before midnight. I laid down and honestly I did fall asleep pretty quick. I woke up Wednesday morning about about before 7am, hubby had already left for work, so it was just Jeff and I like most mornings. He was still sleeping at this point and I had to get up to do the usual things, bathroom, something to drink and then back into bed hoping for a couple more hours of sleep. Jeff woke.

I got him a bottle and changed him. Put on his favorite Scooby-Doo DVD and he went back to sleep, so did I. until Jeff woke at 10 am. I know what you are thinking, 10 am , I so wish my kids would sleep until then! I woke up feeling as if I had not slept at all. I was trying to negotiate with Jeff for another hour of sleep but of course as with negotiating with a 1 year old, it did not work. So, I got up and got him another bottle, changed him, restarted the DVD and was trying to muster enough energy to start the day.

I was so tired I was in the worst mood ever. See, normally I am patient, kind, and I do not take the things my kid does personally, because well, he is 1. However, this day, I apparently forgot these things and let me tell you, my son got a horribly cranky, annoyed, generally mad at the world momma that day. I was so tired that I could not see straight. I could not understand how I could be so tired!

When he went down for a nap, I did too. I was so tired I could not even eat, so on top of being horribly cranky I was starving too and no wonder I had no energy! I took a small nap with him and when I woke I felt better, not great but better than I had all day long. I at least felt like I could finish out the day without being cranky momma.

Let me tell you, I felt so horrible for snapping at Jeff. It was not his fault but I could not help myself. See, M’s parents and family live across the country from us. My family, well, yeah. A long painful story. We have few friends here in Lexington. So basically we are on our own. There is enough money for bills and and barely food most weeks, so money for babysitters to help out is just impossible.

I did apologize to Jeff that evening, not that he knew what was being said. I did that for me. I am trying to do better by him. I am trying to make sure I get some kind of sleep and if I can’t then I get to eat at least in the mornings so I have some energy to face the start of the day with him. I know I will most likely fail him again, and it tears my heart out knowing that. I want to be the best mom I can be and honestly that is not easy.

Things I Would Tell My Younger Self

I never ever thought that I would be in my 40’s and have a toddler. NEVER. I had my older kids when I was in my early 20’s and honestly I really think that is one of the best times to have kids. Mainly because you have the energy to keep up with them! Although, I do think in my case having kids younger was a good thing, I also have noticed that I do have a lot to offer my child in my 40’s. As a parent in my 40’s now, I can see the mistakes I made with my other two kids. I am working to avoid those with my son now. I also realize that I have more patience for my son than I did for the other two and I feel bad that they got short changed there. I know that a bad day with my son is not intentional on his part, there is something that is bothering him that I can not fix. I also know that tomorrow is another day and to let those bad days go.

I love that I am more present every day with my son than I ever was with my other two. I feel badly that they got less mommy and more busy person. When I had my older two, I had to work and put them in daycare. I regret that immensely because strangers got to see so many firsts and I got told about them after the fact. Which hurt. Deeply. I am very fortunate at this point that my husband works hard so that I am able to stay home with our son and be present for all the cute little things he does.

I would also tell my 20 year old self that kids are only little once. If you miss it, it is gone forever. With my first son, I had ¬†postpartum depression so badly that honestly I do not remember his whole first year! I ‘snapped out of it’ on his first birthday and could not remember anything aside from his birth! I missed so much! I was determined to not let that happen with my daughter and it did not. I made other bigger mistakes with her. Some of those I am still to this day trying to fix.

I was determined to not make those mistakes with my current son and honestly the first year flew by! I was honestly present for each and every single day. Good and bad. I am proud of myself as a mom that I am even working to do this at my age. It is not easy and I feel bad that I can not get down on the floor as much with my son as I once could, but we make the best of it! Kids at 40 is different than kids at 20. I am not sure how I come out on which is best for me yet. My son is amazing and I love all kids dearly. I can not wait to see what life has in store for me next!